Sofias Web

OHMIGOSH!!

2008-08-04T00:55:47+02:00

I;ve cracked it!! you know things always come to light in the early hours!!!
I'm still in love with Graham!! i really am!! I mean i love mark i still do, and i think i always will but i dunno, i've just been speaking to graham and i've kinda realised that i never got over him i just kinda put those feelings aside and now adrenaline is kicking in and i feel those all so familiar butterflies, and i'm just thinking Graham, marks still there but i need to let him go - i need to let them both go

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Back:- Again

2008-08-03T21:40:28+02:00

Okay this is MEANT to be a biopic of my life but i've discovered my life is immensely boring. Not even semi-dramatic or interesting. I'm officially normal and i really hate that word , okay i'm home sitting in that all familiar leather green chair with studs :S Mark still hasn't replied to my email, so i doubt he will. Lewis will NOT leave me alone, i don't even get this many texts from derek! it's all how are you or do you want to meet up or do you have credit or please go on MSN, and he knows i was camping but of course we get wi-fi on a field - in the middle of nowhere Been to the beach this week, Newquay has really awesome waves, i can see why it's so great for surfing, thats something i've always wanted to do but never got round to. hmm. I found a wetsuit in my wardrobe this morning, quite fascinating almost as fascinating as the rifle on top of my other wardrobe (don't worry it's de-activated) Neither of which are mine. I've promised my friend Zara from camp i'll write to her, she hasn't got a mobile or internet access so i thought it'd be fun to stay in touch the old fashioned way. I mean it's really lovely to get a letter, letter writing is a rapidly dying art, i reckon more people should do it
And Graham's been in touch!! he went to france for a week and i really really missed him, he text me on his way back, i really want to see him now, last time i saw him was the weekend before my split with mark so you can tell it was a long time ago well like a month anyway. I wish mark got in touch but i don't really want to hear from that loser ever again, does that make sense like at all?? I hate him but i love him-- still it's really sad. he's on MSN but I'm appearing offline right now, he wouldn't talk to me anyway, i don't think we're on speaking terms right now Oh well, and i still need to make a decision about my future, james was asking me earlier and i know i said i'd decide but it's hard!!! Well 18 days untill crunch time.
And i've lost weight!!! this is awesome i'm about 7 stone 10 lbs now but it's okay because i'm like incredibly short.

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Dreams

2008-07-26T11:46:41+02:00

Que veux-je ? ? Je vous veux me tenir dans vos bras et m'embrasse comme vous a utilisé à, juste une fois plus. Je veux que vous ayez dit désolé vous me blessez, je veux entendre vous dit « je Vous Aime » encore. Ou pour vous me regarder avec que vous regarde jamais m'a donné seulement. le l'un qui m'a dit comment vous senti.d'autre part, je veux trop.
Mais, C'est Ma Reve

*Up in My Lonely room, when I'm Dreaming Of You,
Oh, What can I Do? I still need you,
But i don't want you now.*
(Lyrics:- The Coral, Dreaming of you)

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Me again. Just me.

2008-07-26T11:41:54+02:00

OKay i'm off later - I'm home atm, but all alone. My hair is soaking - no ones contacted me for hours now, after the surge of early morning texts which interuptted a particularly bad dream about mark which promted a particularly bad awakening because guess who i was thinking of? Well i think of him every morning, all the time actually. Graham, another old love of mine, text me this morning, with Graham, i fell in love, like the beginning stages, but complications got in the way of a lot then i fell for mark - dear sweet mark. Okay i think i'm gonna recommend you all yet another song, I have this song called 'dreaming of you' by the coral in my head at the moment and anyway it's very fitting to this latest blog and how i'm feeling atm so i'd recommend you check it out. well thats if you want. I miss mark, heck i even miss Graham,Mark always seemed to have a problem that i liked Graham. I mean Mark knew i loved him don't get me wrong but he always was suspicious of Graham, particularly at the beginning - he never said anything but i knew, like with the little expressions which nobody else would have noticed because why would they? But i guess maybe Mark had a cause to be suspicious because i loved graham more than i loved Nathan but i loved mark even more than the other 2 combined, i'm well shot of nathan, he was an arse but i don't think i ever really got over graham, i just feel in love deeper with someone else ut i don't want graham now, he's an amazing friend and he's been so supportive since i split up with mark and i think the only time i've smiled today has been when I got that text from Graham. Mark still hasn't replied, i'm getting impatient but i don't think he will, i mean what would it acheive? which is what i should have thought of before i sent it in the first place i guess. Sigh. Life really sucks at the moment and now i really need to decide whether or not to stay in Cardiff next year at my 6th form or go to a college or a sixth form in Edinburgh where my father lives. I'm gonna try and decide by the end of next week i hope it's getting hard!!!
Camping later!! i can get away from the watchful eyes of my parents and then i don't have to eat - well so much people will still be watching but it won't be so intense cause they're not suspicious like the olds.

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Last One Before Me Hols!!

2008-07-24T13:52:14+02:00

Off camping next week!, Really need to speak to alice today, i'm meeeting her in costa at 4, I really need to forget mark but everytime i try it just makes me feel worse cause i don't want to have to try and forget him, i don't know if that makes sense?
I can't sleep anymore - another sleepless night lying awake but this time i spent most of it crying, Mark still hasn't replied to the email but i doubt he will in the end, but it won't be too bad cause i'm not expecting it, i got out my old steps album last night (I'm so cool see!! ) But i couldn't listen to it, anyone ever noticed how most of their songs seem to be about breaking up?? its actually really depressing and i kinda hammered my laptop, then started drinking lemonade at 3ish as a snack, cause i don't eat, i don't like food, it's disgusting and really kinda bloating, i can normally only have a few bites but don't get me wrong i get calories from the 1 or 2 glasses of cranberry juice i drink a day. Have you ever heard of a song called 'canopies and grapes' by Emmy the great?? I recommend it i really do, it's just so unique to most other songs and i love it anyway, i really love the lyrics, if you have the time i recommend you listen to it xx

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Sara!

2008-07-22T10:55:00+02:00

Saras back today!!! She's been in cambodia for the past 10 days, I've really missed her, she livens me up I think I may get Sara to come feed the ducks, last time we had no bread so we were eating marshmallows at the time and of course you can't give marshmallows to ducks right??
Well we walked briskly along the riverside and behind we were startled by the flapping sounds from behind, Sara ran away, but i was the one holding the marshmallows, the ducks were getting closer and closer, I thought i wasn't going to make it, sara was far in the distance by now and the ducks were gaining speed so i did the only thing i could, i grabbed a handful of the mallows and chucked them at the ducks screaming 'HAVE THEM THEN!!', then i ran while the ducks were overwise occupied untill they could no longer be seen and we were safe - untill next time.

Sorry thats not interesting i just thought I'd share XD

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Email to Mark Pt.2

2008-07-22T10:23:32+02:00

Okay, I've emailed Mark again apologizing, it probably wasn't the right thing but i have no idea what the right thing is anymore and i'm seriously falling apart, I'm seeing Mark for what he really is and in a way I'm mourning for the mark I fell in love with because it's not him, I don't know whats happened to him but marks changed and suddenly theres no room for me anymore, but i didn't take any of what i said back, I meant every single word but i don't think he'll even have the decency to read it because he doesn't care and i don't thikn he ever did - i feel so stupid, i am so stupid, and now i don't know what i'm doing, I'm smoking, drinking, swearing which isn't really like me and i'm arranging just to have casual 'fun' with 2 different guys atm kinda like friends with priviledges like i had with mark before we went out, but going further and without the emotions, I love Mark so much, I wish I didn't but it can't just go away it just can't (sigh) And I Miss him but what can you do?? He ended it, and i loved him so much, and I don't understand how you can say you love somebody and treat them like this i really don't, I don't understand Mark, I don't think he realises he's being a complete arsehole, maybe my emails will put it into perspective for him and maybe he'll treat the next girlfriend better, i really hope so cause no one deserves this and i'm fed up with putting up with it. I'm just falling apart at the moment, it's like when you're falling off a cliff and no-ones there at the bottom to catch you, last time i felt anywhere near as bad as this mark caught me but it's like he caught me half way down and now he's done this, he's like dropped me again and nothings below me but sharp brambles and i'm about to land

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Email to Mark

2008-07-21T18:02:50+02:00

Okay I emailed mark today, it was terrible long, abusive and contained alot of swearing, I love mark i really do but i don't know what i'm doing anymore and it had to be said i guess - i've lost him i really have, i couldn't actually have pressed send so i left the room and derek pressed it, sigh, i dont know if what i've dones right but marks being a bit of an arse well more than a bit and i miss him but i need to move on i really do as much as i want to go back i don't think i can well i really can't, this is messed up, i'll keep you updated on what happens

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GRRR!!

2008-07-20T23:39:51+02:00

Okay my life right now is seriously like a movie, but instead of a rom-com relaxing film it's more like one about a train crash and it's carnage.
Firstly i was dumped by Mark, which has lead to a series of events which are catastrophic. For prom i tried to look amazing, y'know to kinda get a revenge on Mark Which DIDN'T work ( Never do this ladies!!) but all i acheived was making my best friend Niamh's boyfriend Jack develop a larger than small crush on me, great you see not content on screwing up my own life i screw up everyone elses too now after opening my big outh about a couple of slightly unconventional text messages from jack, niamh isn't happy and since i asked for jacks help to win mark back she is getting increasingly mad at the two of us and now she's angry at jack cause he asked me to go with him lewis and jake bowling and although i couldn't now niamh won't let jack talk to me but he's refused now tension is high, niamh knows i wouldn't do that to her she knows how hard i'm taking my break-up with mark i mean i love mark and i thought mark loved me but obviously not. his mate seb wants a sleepover at mine next week with mark and alice but i don't think alice will want to come if sebs there and i'm dreading seeing mark because i love him so much but he's hurt me bad he really has i got all the cliches, i hope we can still be friends or it wouldn't have worked out i'm just so glad i didn't get it's not you it's me and he did it on the phone but i can't hate him, i wish i could and anyway jakes a friend i don't wanna cut contact with him but i don't want to lose niamh she's always been there for me and i love her, not like i love mark but as much as you can love a friend.
Marks being an arse, any ideas on how i can get over him??

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